Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Phonetics
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad