Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

What?!?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try