Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

I’m tired tomorrow.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed