– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke