boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You Might Also Like
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
asked my bf how work was today
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave