Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.