Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

😂😂

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.