Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars