Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”