Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.