Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.