Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
the answer was staring at me all along
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Wait a second…
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school