Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Children of the Corn Man

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!