Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .