Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Sing it!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.