Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

We are the people our parents warned us about.

These aliens are taking forever.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.