Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

technique

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1219647349368053760/pu/vid/720x720/AFA_srv3Q5ilH7Dd.mp4?tag=10

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.