boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*