Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Is this a threat?

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s