Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.