Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
🙁
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.