Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Weighing up my bread heating options
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.