Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers