Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
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[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’M CRYINGGG
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has