Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Who’s your best friend?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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tell em, edith-anne
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.