Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves