Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
good morning
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Every BBC series about the universe.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
