Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U