Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”