boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee