Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Not all heroes wear capes…
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Wake me when AI does housework
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The little toadstool has spoken.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again