Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
You Might Also Like
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living