Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.