BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.