Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.