Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

My dog learned how to text

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

🤣😂🤣😂🤣