Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

Can you solve the riddle??

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐