boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Ugh but profoundly
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”