Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead