Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules