Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You Might Also Like
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
That’s enough internet for the day
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
#CoronaOutbreak
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The news is so predictable nowadays
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend