Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.