Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
best first i’ve ever seen
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
🍞🦆
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…