Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

This anagram machine is out of order.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

wait.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Genius idea!!

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t