Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Probably my best painting.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.