Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?