Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.