BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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i dont have time for this
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.