Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.