Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes