Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Anarchy

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”