BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Yep.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again