Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean