@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

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@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@MarlonBrandNO

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

@portmanteauface

Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?

My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired

@DJLIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@SnarkyMommy78

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean