boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.