boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
This joke is 7 years old
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed