boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
there has never been a better use of this meme
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.