Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like even faster food.

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Room with a view.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too