Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.