Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.