boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Well, this is awkward
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts