boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”