boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
men, we mow at sunrise.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both