boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
me opening up to someone
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
How actors in movies eat their food
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?