Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something