Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Florida be like…
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.