Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit