Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle