Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Drive like no one is watching.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

This is Sparta