Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?