Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.