Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer