Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#NoRestForTheWicked

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding