Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.