Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.