Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Facebook memories be like
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety