Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

The human personality is made of five key elements

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

The cycle continues

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.