Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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The dark side of Canada
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*